It can take years to develop the skills of a talented ‘innuendo artiste’, but this quick guide should start you on your journey. These witty examples below can be utilised in any situation, from a drink at the pub to dinner with the Prime-Minister, and will always earn you serious props from any 12-year olds boys present. Below are a few easy rules to help you begin.

Bend over and I'll Show You

When a friend asks any question beginning with “Where ...?”, the proper response should always be “Bend over and I’ll show you.”.

This could include any number of examples, from “Where’s my mobile phone?”, “Where did all the Tim Tams go?”, or even "Where’s the Eiffel Tower?”.

Your Mum

Similarly, the most hilarious response when asked any question beginning with “Who...?” is always “Your Mum!”

Think “Who left their clothes all over the bathroom floor?”, “Guess who I hooked up with last night?”, “Who was the first democratically elected President of Russia?”

That's What She Said

At the pinnacle of wit of the innuendo artiste is the “That’s what she said!” call and the rarer but equally hilarious “That’s what he said!” call. These comments offer a spontaneous, sustainable string of innuendo in a plethora of settings. To illustrate, look to the wealth of opportunities provided by the conversation accompanying a simple game of pool at the local pub:

“I’ve been hitting these balls around all night.”

“I don’t think I can get both of them in.”

“Careful, you’ll poke my eye out!”

“I've never done that before.”

“Nice one, Keep it up.”

“Put it in the other hole.”

“Why is this taking so long?”

“Wait, try spinning it.”

“Hit it harder, lower and faster.”

“Would you like me to put it in for you?”

“It’s my turn.”

“Just smack it.”

“You can’t get in from there, you’ve got to get it from behind."

That's What He Said 

“Hey, I put a coin in but the balls won’t come out.”

 “I just can’t seem to get anything in.”

“It’s going to get hard now.”

“I can’t get it in at that angle”

“I know what I'm doing so don't rush me!”

“Hey why is my stick shorter than everyone else’s?”

“Which hole do I aim for?”

“I'm going to try backwards”

“I don’t think I can go another round”

“I can’t reach it from here.”

“Am I bigs or smalls?”

“It’s harder than it looks.”

“It’s a tight squeeze but I’m going to take the shot.”

Do remember that any comment relating to size, expectations and any phrase involving the verb 'to come’ or the adjective ‘hard’ is perfect fodder for a 'Thats What She Said' call. It is also important to note that the 'That's What She Said' call retains its hilariousness no matter how many times it is repeated, or how many times your friends tell you "Give it a rest!" or "I’m tired of this.". Just keep saying it, it only gets funnier! 

Armed with these comedic pearls, you are now ready to venture into the world as a novice innuendo artiste and all-round sleazebag. Go forth and make the funny!

Photo Courtesy of cambiodefractal, Creative Commons