Me? Mind?

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I wanted to write a follow-up to "Nevermind" in order to show the contrast between my drugged and non-drugged self. But actually "Nevermind" WAS my drugged self, just not with anti-depressants. I was trying out some hormone thingies (from the beginning of August) and it just dawned on me this week that while I normally feel anxious and irrational and frustrated, I very rarely have strong violent impulses. . . but have had a whole lot of them, intensely, since the beginning of August. Bad, naughty hormones. So I stopped taking THOSE.

Unfortunately it's also become immediately clear that my anti-depressants DO cause weight gain - so I'm about to stop taking those, too. Hopefully, since I've only been on the happy pills a week, the backlash won't be too bad (last time it was dizzy spells, uncoordination, and hallucinations for two months). I guess I won't be wearing heels for a while.

So today is my last day on anti-depressants. Tomorrow I'll take half a pill, and Thursday I'll take nothing. I don't work Fridays, so I'm hoping that the weekend absorbs any immediate nastiness. (Also hoping that the unjust weight gain will vanish more or less instantly).

Today was a rough day, because I saw an old friend. I was nervous about seeing him, because I see my life as pretty pathetic at the moment - I hate being in debt, I hate being on government benefits, I hate being more than my normal weight, I hate that I've been trying unsuccessfully to be published for ten years (which sorta looks like my writing sucks, don't it?), and I'm frustrated by not knowing if Tim and I will marry or not (which is so desperately rude of me when the relationship is otherwise going just fine). And I'm ashamed that I'm no longer devoting my life to alleviating third world poverty (particularly when, CLEARLY, my writing is not benefiting the world any. At least, not yet).

I gotta say, the meet went somewhat worse than I expected. It was nice seeing my friend, and it was easy to leave out most of the above paragraph. Unfortunately he's good friends with someone who's pretty much my arch-nemesis (but in a friendly-acquaintance kind of way). And guess who happened to be there?

Here's a typical conversational summary of me and my arch-nemesis (with our thoughts in curly brackets)

Me: So, how have things been going?

Him: Great! I've been expanding my sphere and my overheads have been entirely transverse this semester.

Me: {what the foccacia is he talking about? Is he hiding something awful? Is he even here in this conversation? Maybe he's a robot. Probably, actually. Designed for the public service, but something malfunctioned and instead he ended up pretending to talk to me without actually saying anything} Mmm.

Him: And how are you?

Me: Well, guess what! I got my 47th rejection today! I'm hoping for 50 by the end of the year.

Him: {Does she have a knife? This crazy freak sounds dangerous!}

<end>

Generally, he thinks I'm a loss to humanity because I'm messed up. I think I'm a gift to humanity because (eventually) all my bad times eventually work out okay, and I like to tell people about the bad times while they're happening so they can be more confident about their own (I'm always suspicious of people telling tales of woe only AFTER it's turned out fine). So the reason I spill my guts (other than for my personal benefit when I'm with close friends) is that underneath it all I have complete confidence in my future.

I think he's a loss to most of humanity because he never seems to struggle with anything, and that just seems kind of useless to me (how can he empathise with anyone? And what's the use of life without empathy?) Also I hate jargon with a passion so fierce that I literally can't understand what he's saying half the time.

So anyway, seeing him today was rough. He doesn't just think of me as a cause in need of rescue but as a lost cause. The worst part is, I DO need rescuing now - and I didn't last time I saw him. So maybe he's right after all.

(He's not. He's a smug schmuck and I am WAY awesomer than him.)